Sunday, January 29, 2012


I WAS a victim of domestic violence. 
I hate the word "victim." 
People use it out of context or make it something it isn't.
This has and will forever change my life.
I just went for a walk with someone I care deeply about.
We talked about future plans and goals - and the importance of having a relationship with God in our lives.

I was told once that I should wait to talk about my experiences until I have completed "so much" therapy and "so much" time has past. 
I disagree.
Talking to others has helped me more than any counselor could.

I have been consistently asked, "Why did you let that happen to you?"  And have heard several comments of, "Well, I would never let that happen to me," or "I would have left that situation a long time ago," or "What did you see in him, he looks like a thug."
Well, I am sorry, but I have never been a person to judge another, especially based on looks and tattoos. 
I realized, however, that until you have lived the terror I succombed and been exposed to the things things I saw and experienced, getting out of the relationship was not so easy. 
What is the saying?  "Easier said then done." 
For me personally, my family supported me, but it was only conditionally.  They judged me without talking to me. 
I know that they tried to help in their own way,
but it unintentionally caused more harm then good. 
At Christmas time, I received many cards from family and most of them said, "You need to find God in your life." 
But what my family doesn't realize is that God was with me and he helped me to find the strength to get away. 
I remember times when I would pull out my Bible.  He would get so angry, but when I had my Bible in hand and read scripture over and over again, for some odd reason, he would not touch me during those times. 
It was those moments, that I felt safe in an unsafe situation.
What my family and friends do not realize is that
I was trying to protect them
I cared more about their safety then my own. 

Lately, I have had a recurring dream that has opened my eyes to the reality of what I went through. 
In my dream, I was looking down on a funeral. 
My children were there, my family, and my friends were there. 
But where was I? 
Then I saw my name on a wreath next to the casket. 
It was my funeral. 
In my dream, I could feel the hurt my family felt,
and I could feel the anger of how I died. 
I died because I chose to stay with a man who hurt me in everyway. 
I recalled the feeling of wishing I was dead during the abuse. 
But then, to see my own funeral - my heart sank. 
In my dream I began asking myself, "Why? Why was I not stronger?  Why did I not find a way to leave?  Why did I allow this man to tear apart my family?  What are my kids going to do without me?"
Then I wake up.

God gave me the strength to make a move and get out of a bad situation.  God has given me a second chance. 
How am I going to use this chance? 

I have seen an evil like no other, and unfortunately, the evil is everywhere.  It is in selfishness and greed.  It is in words and hurtful thoughts.  It occurs with substance abuse and fear. 
It encaptures victims and allows hate.  I hate evil.

I have a second chance.

I know that talking about a situation that is harming one's self is VERY difficult, speaking out can proivide a healing power that nothing else can.  I am not alone and neither are the women trapped in this horrible epidemic that has been occuring since the beginning of time.

No news channel or one person can even fathom, nor expose the true damage that occurs when someone you love is hurting you - physically, sexually, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

I am turning this over to God.  I pray that one day, I can help at least one person get out of a dangerous and hurtful situation - just I was helped.  But just getting out of the situation is not enough. 
No one will ever be able to simply take away the trauma and hurt that a person experiences when they feel their life or their family's life is in danger. 
It is the power of healing that makes its true mark in your life. 

The journey I have been through is still tramatizing to me -
but I have chosen to speak out. 
If you support this cause, please follow my blog. 
Feel free to post comments and questions.

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